Beaverton

The disturbing backstory of this grown ass man’s Minions costume by Iain MacNeil

MONTREAL, QC — As he slid his denim overalls over his bright yellow sweater while dancing to Q Lazzarus’s “Goodbye Horses,” Lain McNeal whispered to himself, “Would you fuck me? I would fuck me.” Though Mr. McNeal’s costume was not of the gory or scary variety, partygoers unanimously agreed there was something deeply disturbing about seeing a grown ass man dressed as a Minion from the popular Despicable Me series.

Every time Lain shouted “Banana!” over the music, the entire party shuddered and asked, “What dark forces have conspired to make this man dress up as a character from a children’s movie that has unequivocally faded from the cultural zeitgeist?”

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Eugene Melnyk figures now is a good time to ask Sens fans for another liver by Iain MacNeil

OTTAWA – Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk issued a statement through the organization asking the few remaining members of the Sens Army for another liver.

In 2015, the Barbados-based billionaire issued a public plea through his NHL team to help him find a willing live liver donor and successfully skipped the 200-plus waitlist. With Senators fans reeling from the blockbuster trade that shipped Erik Karlsson out of Ottawa,  Melnyk saw a perfect opportunity to get the fanbase to rally around him once again.

“I do not need a liver transplant. My doctors tell me I’m in perfect health,” Melnyk said. “But I feel like I may need another liver in the future, and today–the day after we finally rid ourselves of a once-in-a-generation talent off the books–seemed like the perfect time to do it.”

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Induction of Steve Nash into Basketball Hall of Fame inspires Canadians to also come up short of ultimate goal by Iain MacNeil

SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS – This Friday, Canadian basketball icon Steve Nash will be enshrined in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame and the honour has inspired hundreds of Nash’s countrymen from coast to coast to also strive for greatness without completing their ultimate goal.

“The real dream for any NBA player is to win a championship,” Reggie Wallace, a high school basketball coach from Nash’s hometown of Victoria, BC, said. “For Steve to receive this honour with only two MVPs, eight All-Star game appearances, ranking third all-time in assists and zero championships is special.”

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ByWard Bear incident exceeds Ottawa’s annual excitement quota by Iain MacNeil

OTTAWA — Following the tranquilization and removal of a bear roaming around Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood, the City of Ottawa announced that it has exceeded its excitement quota for the year.

The city goes to great lengths to track the excitement levels of both residents and the media to protect its traditional charm. If the level of excitement exceeds its allocated annual limit, the city risks devolving into a cosmopolitan metropolis complete with culture and other nefarious forms of pandemonium.

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Travel blogger posts photos of staycation spent lying in own filth by Iain MacNeil

TORONTO – Popular travel blogger Anderson Patrick Cole has decided to document his most exhilarating adventure yet: a three-week staycation at home, spent lying in his own filth.

“I have been very fortunate to travel all over the world,” he wrote at the top of his staycation post. “But when I saw how much debt I’ve accrued from buying camera equipment and plane tickets almost nonstop for the last ten years, I figured it was time to let my crippling economic-anxiety take over and show my fans how they can have an adventure right in their own homes.”

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Canada Council for the Arts slashes live theatre budget to fund ‘pets in hats’ Instagram accounts by Iain MacNeil

OTTAWA – The Canada Council for the Arts announced a controversial new grant in hopes of branching out into new media while leaving the future of Canadian theatre uncertain. The funding previously allocated to live stage productions has been cut in favour of providing pet owners who share photos and videos of their pets wearing hats with over $50,000 to expand their social reach.

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