Eugene Melnyk figures now is a good time to ask Sens fans for another liver by Iain MacNeil

OTTAWA – Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk issued a statement through the organization asking the few remaining members of the Sens Army for another liver.

In 2015, the Barbados-based billionaire issued a public plea through his NHL team to help him find a willing live liver donor and successfully skipped the 200-plus waitlist. With Senators fans reeling from the blockbuster trade that shipped Erik Karlsson out of Ottawa,  Melnyk saw a perfect opportunity to get the fanbase to rally around him once again.

“I do not need a liver transplant. My doctors tell me I’m in perfect health,” Melnyk said. “But I feel like I may need another liver in the future, and today–the day after we finally rid ourselves of a once-in-a-generation talent off the books–seemed like the perfect time to do it.”

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ByWard Bear incident exceeds Ottawa’s annual excitement quota by Iain MacNeil

OTTAWA — Following the tranquilization and removal of a bear roaming around Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood, the City of Ottawa announced that it has exceeded its excitement quota for the year.

The city goes to great lengths to track the excitement levels of both residents and the media to protect its traditional charm. If the level of excitement exceeds its allocated annual limit, the city risks devolving into a cosmopolitan metropolis complete with culture and other nefarious forms of pandemonium.

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